Few relationship questions are as polarizing as whether or not you should stay friends with an ex. Anecdotal evidence feeds arguments on both sides — but what do the experts say?

是否應該與前任保持友誼？對這一兩性關系問題的答案非常罕見地兩極分化，傳聞軼事更激化了雙方的爭論，那專家怎么看待這一問題呢？

Rachel Sussman, a New York City-based psychotherapist, advises caution when it comes to staying friends, but says there are couples for whom it works; ultimately, she says, it's "an individual determination". Nonetheless, Sussman says there are some guidelines all exes should follow after a breakup.

紐約心理治療師雷切爾·薩斯曼建議，應謹慎對待與前任保持友誼這一問題， 不過，對于一些情侶或夫婦來說，與前任保持友誼不成問題。歸根到底，這只是“個人選擇”。不過，在處理與前任關系的問題上，薩斯曼給出了以下幾點準則。

When to cut ties?

"Under no circumstances should a relationship that was abusive, manipulative or toxic transition into a friendship"，Sussman says.

“在任何情況下，一段充滿虐待和控制的‘有毒’感情絕不應轉變成友誼，”薩斯曼說。

Sussman also says there are potential downsides to staying friends with an ex. "Sometimes that will hold you back from going into a new relationship," she warns. "Or you'll get into a new relationship and you'll tell your new girlfriend or boyfriend, 'My ex is one of my closest friends.' That's complicated. Are you giving the new relationship a fair chance to really flourish or blossom?"

薩斯曼認為與前任保持友誼很可能有負面影響。“這有時會阻礙你進入下一段戀情”，“或者當你有了新戀情時，你告訴現(xiàn)任‘我的前任是我最親密的朋友之一’這很復雜。你是否真正給予這段新戀情一個公平的機會，讓它開花結果。” 薩斯曼告誡道。

When to stay friends?

Sussman says exes who have kids together should try to remain on good terms if possible, since they'll be in each other's lives for the long run. The lines are murkier for couples without children, but Sussman says those who dated when they were young, were friends first, dated casually or were together only for a short time are good candidates for friendship.

薩斯曼認為如果與前任有孩子的話，雙方應該盡可能保持友好關系，因為在將來很長一段時間內，他們都會出現(xiàn)在彼此的生活中。對于沒有孩子的雙方而言，與前任的界限則更加難以把握。如果是年輕時從普通朋友發(fā)展為戀愛關系，后來又只有短暫交往，這樣的對象則是保持友誼的最佳人選。

Studies suggest that couples who remain in contact for the same reasons — whether those are pragmatic or sentimental — are more likely to have successful friendships, while staying in touch because of unresolved romantic desires is a predictor of negative outcomes.

研究表明，分手后的情侶雙方如果是出于共同的原因保持聯(lián)系，不論是出于現(xiàn)實考量還是情感維系，都更有可能擁有真正的友誼。如果是因為未能滿足的欲望而保持聯(lián)系，則會產(chǎn)生負面結果。

But how?

If you decide to try a friendship with an ex, Sussman suggests taking a break first. "I'm quite suspect of those couples that break up and then tell me right away that they're best friends," she says. "Time heals. A lot of insight can come with time and space apart."

如果你決定和前任保持友誼，薩斯曼建議先給自己點時間?！坝行┣閭H或夫婦剛分手不久，就馬上告訴我，他們已經(jīng)變成了最好的朋友，我對此深表質疑?！?薩斯曼說?！皶r間是良藥。隨著時間和空間的推移，人們才能逐漸撥云見日?！?/p>

That goes for social media as well as in-person interactions. "I would love for couples to unfollow and unfriend each other for a few months after a breakup," Sussman says. Otherwise, "before you know it, you're checking your phone and you're seeing your ex, and that brings up all sorts of thoughts and feelings which might make you, on some emotional level, feel reconnected to that person."

這同樣適用于社交媒體和當面交流?！跋Ｍp方在分手后的幾個月內，都不要關注對方或者與對方保持聯(lián)系。” 薩斯曼說?！胺駝t，你可能會無意識地瀏覽她（他）的朋友圈,關注前任的訊息，從而喚起你的思緒與情感，讓你感到與前任又建立了聯(lián)系?！?/p>

Boundaries are also important for couples-turned-friends, Sussman says, "A healthy boundary could look like, 'Let's not talk every day. Let's not text every day,'" Sussman says. "'Every couple of months let's grab a meal, see a movie — but not regular, daily contact.'"

對于由情侶變朋友的人們來說，把握邊界感非常重要?！耙粋€合理的邊界應該是，不要每天聊天，不要每天發(fā)短信，”薩斯曼說?！翱梢悦扛魩讉€月吃頓飯，看個電影 ，而不要天天接觸?！?/p>

Above all, regularly reassess how the friendship makes you feel, and be honest with yourself.

最重要的是，定期重新審視你對前任友情的感覺，并坦誠面對自己。

Source: Time

Editor: Jiao Jie

Interns: Fu Kuncan, Su Yanlei