近兩年，“社會性死亡”這個(gè)詞漸漸風(fēng)靡。它說的是當(dāng)眾出丑以至于沒臉見人的狀況。

清華大學(xué)《清新時(shí)報(bào)》報(bào)道稱，豆瓣ID“@嘿嘿嘿嘿嘿嘿嘿”的用戶在小組發(fā)帖分享一件自己“社會性死亡”的事件。

樓主給畢業(yè)論文導(dǎo)師發(fā)了消息，收到了老師“之后見了再說”的回復(fù)，心中納悶?；仡^再一看，才發(fā)現(xiàn)自己的信息最后一句話是——“您是否有實(shí)力當(dāng)我的畢業(yè)設(shè)計(jì)老師呢？”

而她本想打的，是“時(shí)間”。

尷尬事件或許是必然會發(fā)生的，但是隨之而來的巨量尷尬卻不會隨著事件的結(jié)束而消退，反而會不斷地在接下來的數(shù)年甚至數(shù)十年里隨機(jī)浮上心頭，讓人痛苦“重溫”。

可能有些讀者光是看到本文這個(gè)標(biāo)題就已經(jīng)開始不由自主地回憶起尷尬瞬間了。

這些常見的尷尬，或許你也有過：

▌Secretly trying to take a picture of someone when the flash on your phone is on
打算偷偷拍一張別人的照片結(jié)果閃光燈沒關(guān)

▌Waving at someone who doesn’t see you
向某人揮手，結(jié)果他沒看見你

▌Trying to get your teachers’ attention in primary school by accidentally calling them mommy or daddy
小學(xué)的時(shí)候?yàn)榱艘鹄蠋煹淖⒁舛阉麄兘谐闪恕鞍职帧被蛘摺皨寢尅?br>

▌Texting one of your friends about a certain person before sending it to that person by mistake
發(fā)消息給朋友聊關(guān)于另外一個(gè)人的事情，結(jié)果直接發(fā)給了這個(gè)人

▌Going to open a door by pulling it when it clearly says “push”
想去拉開門，發(fā)現(xiàn)上面寫著“推”

▌Being out in public and tripping over some thing before trying to act casual as if it never happened
在公眾場合絆了一跤，然后假裝如常無事發(fā)生

▌Bumping into someone as you leave the toilet with a really bad smell coming out of it.
上完廁所在隔間外撞見正要進(jìn)去的人，結(jié)果廁所里的味道臭得不行

▌Entering a lecture hall, sitting down, and taking out all of your stuff before finally looking up to realize you’re in the wrong class.
進(jìn)入教室，坐下來，把上課用的東西全部拿出來，結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)進(jìn)錯(cuò)了教室

▌Sitting in a quiet study room with your stomach sounding like it’s trying to digest a tractor engine.
坐在一個(gè)安靜的自習(xí)室里，然后肚子餓得叫，像是它在消化一個(gè)拖拉機(jī)發(fā)動機(jī)一樣

▌Creeping on someone’s Wechat moments and accidentally liking a photo from three years ago.
偷偷翻閱某人的微信朋友圈，然后不小心給一張三年前的照片點(diǎn)了贊

▌Holding a handrail on a bus or train and touching someone else’s hand in the process.
在公交或列車上抓扶手，結(jié)果不小心碰到別人的手

▌Asking someone to repeat themselves before asking twice more, and when you still haven’t heard what they’ve said, you just have to reply with “yes” and hope for the best.
請某人重復(fù)說過的話，發(fā)現(xiàn)沒聽明白叫人再重復(fù)一次，結(jié)果還是沒聽清楚，就只能回復(fù)“嗯”然后期望對話還能順利進(jìn)行

▌Saying something to someone and your voice breaks weirdly like a 13-year-old going through puberty halfway through the sentence.
跟某人說話，結(jié)果嗓子像是一個(gè) 13 歲的正在經(jīng)歷青春期變聲的小孩一樣，話說到一半就破音了。

作家Melissa Dahl花了數(shù)年時(shí)間研究“尷尬”，出版了書籍Cringeworthy: A Theory of Awkwardness (《令人尷尬：尷尬的理論》)。

起初，她發(fā)現(xiàn)自己每次疊衣服的時(shí)候都會想起十年前當(dāng)實(shí)習(xí)生的時(shí)候被人笑話裙子在上完廁所之后塞到連體襪里的尷尬瞬間。

In my apartment ten years later, I know I’m far away in space and time from this moment, and yet it still makes me wince. “How embarrassing,” I whisper, out loud, to no one.
十年后，我住在這間公寓里，我知道無論是空間上還是時(shí)間上來說，我距離那個(gè)尷尬時(shí)刻已經(jīng)很遠(yuǎn)了，但是我還是會緊皺眉頭尷尬不已。周遭無人，我會大聲在心里吼出來：“好尬??！”

So many people I interviewed confess to reacting to old embarrassments in the same way. “You’re just sitting there, and your brain decides to throw it in your face for no reason,” one of my interviewees told me. “For me, if I’m alone, I just start shouting, ‘NO! No no no no no no no.’”
很多我采訪過的人都承認(rèn)會有跟我一樣的面對過往尷尬的反應(yīng)。有個(gè)受訪者跟我說：“你就是坐在那兒，然后你的腦子莫名其妙就決定要把這份尷尬扔你一臉。我自己的話，如果我是一個(gè)人待著，那我就會開始咆哮：‘不！不，不，不，不要’”。

經(jīng)過采訪眾多有類似經(jīng)歷的人和心理學(xué)家們，她給這種狀況起了個(gè)名字：cringe attack（尷尬侵襲）。

They’re the little humiliations from your past that come back unbidden, sometimes years after they first occurred.
這些過往的丟臉時(shí)刻就是會像不速之客一樣直接襲來，有時(shí)是發(fā)生后的很多年后。

這些記憶雖然很尷尬，卻不至于到了引起心理創(chuàng)傷的地步，可是為什么這些記憶總是隨機(jī)涌現(xiàn)呢？Mellisa 發(fā)現(xiàn)有三個(gè)原因。

? 有誘因

For one, even memories that seem out-of-the-blue may be in fact triggered by something in the environment. Maybe something about the T-shirts I was putting away that day reminded me of the feel of the jersey skirt.
一方面，即使是那些看似突如其來的記憶，實(shí)際上也可能是由環(huán)境中的某些東西觸發(fā)的。也許那天我收起來的T恤衫讓我想起了那條掖進(jìn)褲襪里的運(yùn)動衫裙。

? 尷尬情形未能在當(dāng)時(shí)解決

For another, think about how often your first response to someone who’s witnessed an embarrassing moment of yours is something like “This isn’t what it looks like” or “I can explain.” If you never actually get to make that explanation, the moment likely feels unresolved in your mind, and some researchers believe that interrupted moments stick with us longer than those that feel completed.
另一方面，想想你對目睹你尷尬時(shí)刻的人的第一反應(yīng)經(jīng)常是“噢不是你看到的那樣”或者“啊容我解釋一下”。如果你從來沒有機(jī)會解釋，那么你的大腦就會覺得這個(gè)事兒還沒解決，而且有些研究人員認(rèn)為，被打斷了的時(shí)刻比那些感覺完成了的時(shí)刻更加會讓我們難以忘懷。

? 情感越濃，記憶越深

Your emotions dictate what your brain decides to hang on to. The stronger the feeling, the stronger the memory. For instance, being scolded even inadvertently can still lead to long-term feeling of awkwardness. Something excites your brain, which triggers the release of adrenaline, which in turn releases another substance called noradrenaline（去甲腎上腺素）, a neurotransmitter that then perks up the amygdala（杏仁體）.
你的情緒決定了你的大腦選擇記住什么。情緒越強(qiáng)烈，記憶就越深刻。例如，即使有人不是故意罵你，你仍然會長時(shí)間感到尷尬。某件事刺激了你的大腦，觸發(fā)腎上腺素的釋放，而腎上腺素又會釋放出另一種叫做去甲腎上腺素的物質(zhì)，這種物質(zhì)是一種神經(jīng)遞質(zhì)，能使杏仁體活躍起來。

That’s a region of the brain which gets excited by emotional arousal. The amygdala then communicates with almost every other region of the brain, and it says, in effect, “Something important happened. Make a strong memory.”
杏仁體這個(gè)大腦區(qū)域會因情緒激動而興奮。它與大腦的幾乎其他所有區(qū)域進(jìn)行交流，它實(shí)際上就是在說：“要緊的事兒發(fā)生了，給我記牢了！”

書籍作者同時(shí)也給出了兩個(gè)點(diǎn)子，或許可以幫助你減輕這種困擾。

第一個(gè)就是接納自己：

self-acceptance
自我接納。

Recognizing your former self for who you truly were, instead of trying to forget or fudge the details. And remind yourself that everyone’s embarrassed about something. When we arrive at this kind of self-awareness, then when we fail, it’s not ‘poor me,’ however, it’s ‘Well, everyone fails.’
認(rèn)清以前的自己是個(gè)什么人，不要試圖忘記或篡改事件細(xì)節(jié)。告訴自己：每個(gè)人都有各自尷尬的事情。有了這種意識，我們即使尷尬了，也不會可憐自己說：“啊我好倒霉”，而是會說：“哎，大家都有尷尬的時(shí)候”。

第二個(gè)就是不要把自己看得太重要：

self-indifference: the relief of realizing that you are simply not that big a deal
自我疏離：意識到自己并沒那么重要從而感覺到解脫。

倒也不是說要貶低自己，而是換一種思維來體會謙卑。

Self-indifference is essentially a synonym for humility. A little humility helps you keep your natural talents and honed skills in proper perspective: The fact that I’m able to string coherent sentences together as a professional writer isn’t valuable because of what it says about me. What matters is what I do with that ability.
自我疏離本質(zhì)上是謙卑的同義詞。謙虛一點(diǎn)可以幫你理性客觀地看待自身的才華和磨練出的技能。比方說，我作為一個(gè)職業(yè)作家，我能夠?qū)懗鲞B貫的句子，這個(gè)技能本身并不重要，它無法給我貼金，重要的是我用這個(gè)能力創(chuàng)造了什么。

最困擾你的尷尬事件是什么呢？分享出來或許就不那么尷尬了。

Notes

trip [tr?p] v 絆；絆倒
tractor [?tr?kt?r] n 拖拉機(jī)
cringe [kr?nd?] v 感到尷尬不安；畏縮
wince [w?ns] v 皺眉蹙額
unbidden [?n?b?dn] adj 未經(jīng)要求；未被邀請；擅自
out of the blue 出乎意料；突然；晴天霹靂
perk up（使）振奮，活躍，快活
in effect 實(shí)際上；事實(shí)上
fudge [f?d?] v 偽造或歪曲；逃避（某事）；回避

編輯：李雪晴 左卓
參考來源：The Cut